Sunday, February 10, 2013

A Mother's Grief Not Observed

Oh man, where to even begin? This past weekend has been a roller coaster ride of emotions as I am finally starting to deal with some heavy issues.

It really started 4 months ago, but I supressed my feelings until about a week ago. Last weekend I was sick. Bad. Headaches, vomiting, stomachaches, fatigue...then on Monday I started having some light spotting. I figured I was going to start my period and maybe that was why I had been feeling sick. Well, after an hour the spotting stopped altogether, and I didn't get my period. When I still didn't have it Tuesday, I thought for sure I was pregnant! I was still feeling tired and nauseous, and I remembered feeling that way with Gunnar as well. Fast forward to Saturday morning...and when I took the pregnancy test it was negative. From the moment I saw that negative test, to the moment I'm writing this, I have been a basket case of raw emotions.

The thing is, I have gotten a negative pregnancy test before, and I never freaked out like this. What made this time so different?

And, even though I would love to have more children, Gunnar is pretty active right now, and he's not even walking yet! Why can't I just be content with having just one child for the moment?

Why do I feel as though I NEED to get pregnant? As though my biological clock is ticking away and if I don't conceive in the next week I will never again carry a baby?

And, at the same time, why am I SCARED to conceive a baby?

I've spent the past two days crying over this. Wondering what is wrong with me, and why I would be having these kinds of emotions. I couldn't even pray about it, because I had no words. (Even now, I feel like my thoughts are just a jumbled mess, so excuse me if none of this is coherent). But, even when I had no words to describe how I was feeling...the Holy Spirit interceded for me and an answer came straight from God. In fact, it hit me hard.

I have not properly grieved the loss of the child I miscarried back in September.

In trying to be a "super Christian" I mistakenly believed the lie from Satan that if I grieved at all, it would be the same as not trusting in God's perfect timing. I never gave myself time to heal emotionally from it, because I mistakenly thought that would mean that I didn't trust that God had my best interest at heart. So, for months I have supressed those emotions, acted as if everything was going great, and ignoring the aching in my heart.

And now, I am a wreck. By not crying out to God and depending on Him to help me through this grief process the devil has gotten a foothold in my life. I lie awake in fear over getting pregnant and having another miscarriage. I lie awake in fear over NOT getting pregnant. I feel convinced that the miscarriage was my fault. I feel convinced that the reason I'm not pregnant right now is because I am a bad mother, and God does not want me to have any more children.

I know that all of those are lies from satan. Because I am NOT a bad mother. I WILL conceive a child again in the Lord's timing and carry it to term. I should NOT be afraid of getting pregnant (or not getting pregnant).

Now, I am starting the hard journey towards recovery and self-worth. And, to be honest, I don't even know where to begin. The past two days have been spent in tears, finally opening up to my loved ones and letting them pray for me. I don't know what I would do without my husband, mother, or best friend. I have felt the words of advice, wisdom, and prayers-both spoken and unspoken-so clearly.

I've also ordered a devotional for grieving mothers who have lost a child to miscarriage/stillborn. I am praying the Lord will use that to help me deal with my emotions.

I'm trying to write down my feelings, as a way to keep the emotions from bottling up inside me again.

And, at the request of my husband, we are going to ask our Pastor and his wife if they will meet with us for counseling. That is the hardest step for me, but I am praying that the words and advice of a Pastor will help me deal with some heavy heart issues.

I pray that with tie, and strength from God and family I will be able to properly deal with thse feelings, trust in God's plan once more, and kick the devil to the curb. Prayers are appreciated and welcomed, friends.

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