Over the past 18 months (and especially over the past 5 months) I have slowly forgotten why my husband and I committed to give God control of all areas of our lives, including family size. The past few days as I have begun my journey towards grief and restoration after a miscarriage He has reminded me of that once again.
18 months ago we didn't make a commitment of that magnitude to show off what good Christians we were.
We didn't do it just to annoy people. We didn't do it because we wanted to be made fun of, or have people tell us how "crazy" we were. We made that promise to God because we believe that He will always have our best interests in mind, and will never give us anything too big for us to handle.
Unfortunately, at the time I thought that meant that nothing bad would happen to us. At least nothing in terms of child birth and pregnancies. After all, we had given Him complete control and I assumed that gave us a kind of "free pass" from any hurt.
How wrong I was!
It's not that God wants to see me suffering, because I truly believe that He does Not. However, I think He needed to test me, to make sure that I would still be willing to trust Him even when life isn't going as planned. It's easy to trust God when everything is going the way you imagined it...but real trust comes when life isn't going the way you expected. From now on, I am choosing to Trust God, no matter what the circumstances might be.
This is a big, hard step to take, and I know I will fail at this many times before my life on this earth is over. But, with God, family and friends praying and interceding on my behalf I am confident that I may be able to overcome the lies of satan and continually put my whole trust in God. After all, He knows me better than anyone. He knows the desires of my heart better than I do, and He alone is the only one who already knows what triumphs and tragedies tomorrow will bring.